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| Back from the middle east.
Learnt a lot about how praying in the spirit helps in all situations. Even when it's my own fault.
Sleepy and going to bed soon, but if i sleep now, i may not wake up even with the alarm.
Just a little bit more and she'll be safe in Paris. 12:45pm now. 40mins to go.
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My Ideals mean a lot to me.
Love should be placed foremost in any given situation. Placed even before my ideals. Love should govern me.
Quite impossible to do that, unless we have the divine love abroad in our hearts.
Know Him more, and will receive more Love.
Of these 3 that will last forever, Faith, Hope and Love....Love is the greatest of them all.
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I know this. I know it in heart and in mind.
I love my Bunny.
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| Dear Abba Father,
It's times like this, right now, this moment, that I feel..."Why in God's name was I brought into this earth?!"
All the heartache caused in just one moment, would not have happened if this being, namely myself, was not here to cause it.
It's times like this, right now, this very moment, that I look back at those days, where there were tons of names I knew. The supposedly friends that I have made or come to know. Though I really loved some of them, and held them so dear in my heart, that I knew I would stand by them in hard times, I NEVER LET THEM KNOW.
I was most afraid that if they knew, it would hurt me more when they hurt me. The idea of them hurting me even when they had the knowledge that I held them so dear to me just really caused a fear in me and I believed I would be thoroughly hurt. That thought put fear in me. So I had clear distance from them, save for one named Caleb Dissmore. Maybe it was easier to open up to him a little more because a part of me knew he was not going to be in singapore for long.
Then there was the idea of me being such a prick, insensitive and over sensitive at the same time, that I would cause heartache to anyone who would come close to me. And I believed it was unfair to be given such unneeded pain. I caused pain to my father who taught me good, I caused pain to my mother the very day I was brought into this earth. I continued giving her heartaches as I just couldn't be that son she envisioned to have. I caused heartache to my sister, so much so that she talked in her sleep against me, and recorded on tape how much she was upset over me. When I was a young boy, I led kids in church to be rowdy, and got them scolded by their parents. There was no need for such a Pain to continue in thie world. There's enough of it...
But those were quite comforting days, because I did my best to stay out of people's lives...and hurt as little people as I could. I just stayed in my room, where I wouldn't cause hurt and wouldn't be hurt. It hurt especially, when just outside my room was the family that I couldn't make them proud. My safe haven, my room.
Right now, in a room, in the middle east. Hardly the same room at home. And thoughts of how, "If only, if only I had more love, if only I was more patient, if only I could read what she was saying, if only I wasn't alive, she wouldn't have to go to sleep in such a manner."
Twice in life, I should have been dead. A cruel joke to play on this world to keep me alive.
What kind of love would continue to love a fool such as I?
So why?
Dear Abba Father, why?
Why after everything is done...I feel like you are asking me to come and rest my head on your lap for I can't go to sleep?
Why after hurting one of your precious precious princesses, you still open your arms to me and coax me to come before I fall off the the mental cliff??
Don't I deserve some sort of punishment? I hurt someone precious to you, I hurt someone so damn precious to me. Do I deserve that place at your lap? Do I deserve that place at hers?
You love a people undeserving...so you love me.
I'm sorry.
I am.
I really am.
AbbaFather, my dear AbbaFather, she didn't say those 3 words back at me tonight.............................................
I deserve every bit of it.
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| I remember that certain year when the movie "Twister" showed. A few other movies about storm chasing followed, then a real life documentary about these Storm Chasers aired on the Discovery Channel.
It was quite amazing to watch these people chase after the one thing that's so destructive.
I akin-ed myself a little bit to these storm chasers. I won't go into detail right now, but the people close to me, my family and friends should roughly know the kinda storm that I'm in. And I knew there would come a storm. I just didn't expect it to be this big. And no I did not deliberately chase a storm or a "storm".
Throughout it all, Miss Bunny surprisingly have been the supportive one and she stood in agreement with me, that no matter what, it's going to work out. I call that faith, heck, Scripture calls that faith.
So amidst this turbulence, we're walking straight. (I recall Miss bunny's experience on the aircraft to Sydney, where she had help from abve to walk straight.) and it feels so damn awesome to be in it together.
Today, was quick. The morning saw that I was out-processed from Reservist and I got home. Hang out with Caleb for a bit then fell asleep. I fell into a really deep sleep. Had strange dreams too. Then got excited cause the doorbell rang, I jumped up and hoped it was my package that I was waiting for. But instead it was a registered mail for Mom. I sleepily signed for it and dropped back to bed and starting dreaming again.
Then the doorbell rang again, I jumped again and hoped it was my package this time. And Yes! It was. I was greeted by a malay mailman and a big brown package. Presents for myself. Yay  . I was tempted to go back onto dreamland but had to get ready to head out. I then headed out to fetch Miss bunny from the airport. Brought her home and went to dreamland whilst on her couch.
She had to shower and unpack, so I had a power nap of about 30mins. Then she came in woke me up with a kiss. I stirred and returned her kiss. Always nice to be woken up in that manner. It was dinner time and we had an awesome dinner together. Always stuff to talk about. Always!!! So fun!
Then she took off to meet her girls and I went back.
I was inspired to do some cleaning up, so I did my chores and then while waiting for the laundry to get done, I pulled out my treasure chest. Inside it is where all my sentimental letters and items are kept.
I pulled out all the letters that Miss bunny wrote to me in this past year. Among them were:
1) Her very first letter to me. Folded in a square shape with a self locking mechanism.
2) A bunch of notes while working together on the same day.
3) Random poster art she did for me.
4) Christmas and Birthday cards to me.
5) Dr pepper Lipbalm
6) Her very first lunch box to me
7) Other random stuff kept that was from her
Most of the notes and letters are kept nicely in the lunch box. I read them all again...
I really am grateful for having Miss bunny around.
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| She's back she's back! After 5 whole days she's back, safe and sound. It was really good. We played Uno, talked about family, I really missed her. I'm happy!
Still going through a list of Cars. I decided NOT to get any of the Honda Eg9, Vti 4 and Ek series. There's some really good ones out there, but...I rather not. Then again for the price that they're going for, it's really affordable. Anyways the decision for a car has been put on hold again since I missed my chance at the FTO. Some cars that I like that are available in Singapore:
-Nissan Silvia S15
-Toyota Celica 01-06 version
-Mitsubishi FTO
Of course I love the Lotus and the Lambo Gallardo, but that will have to wait...
November is almost here, and my little holiday to visit sis will commence soon. Gotta get the hotel room booked oh yea the the tickets too!
I can't wait for my holiday! YAY!!!
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| What if we never get out of the job we're in right now? What if only one remains in the job and the other is doing something else...I don't think I'll become very happy. I'll work my best to rough it out, but I know on the inside of me it won't go down smoothly. Probably take a long time before it settles on the inside of me. I am a creature that needs my alone time, yet I need to be within touch radius of the one my heart is so fond of. Each occasion that person spends more than 1 or 2 days away, I start to miss her. If possible I do what I can not to sink into an "emo" state. Flip through TV channels in the hotel, head to the gym, go for walks through shopping areas if such a place is available. Call the family and friends, chill out with them. Head out for supper or a movie, paint the room, do the house chores, play guitar and sing to Him, tell Him I miss her. Even doing all that, spending time with my friends, spending time with family, the being that I am still feels the need to have her around...it's as if I've for some reason become one with her. And if she's apart it drains me...
Some time apart is healthy. She gets to do her own thing, get her alone time to read her books, listen to her music, spend family time and hang out with her friends. But as the day goes by...feelings of missing her intensifies. I suddenly start to do everything else to try to "forget" the feeling because it aches my heart.
Then I get sensitive, when i call her to tell her that I miss her, and she's all preoccupied talking to someone else, thus making me feel like more precious me-and-her time is being taken away from me, I start to get peeved. And I start to ask why didn't she sound happy that it was me that called her? I wonder if she feels that way sometimes? Why wouldn't she just tell the person to hold on for awhile? But there you go, that jealous being, so green. Jealous that someone else is taking my time with her, jealous that she's not showing any signs to want to be on the phone. But heck if we exchange vows we've got 70more years of phone conversations if we want to...but hey I am just man, and I do get green.
But I hate having that green eyed being surface. It causes misunderstandings to occur and to flare up so easily because it also causes the selfish being to demand the right to be understood first and not to humble down and take a step back and try to fit into the her shoes instead...such a hard thing to do. And If I do it, would she do it too? Would she take it for granted?
"Love is not jealous..." How can that statement be true? If it was true I would want it to be so real in my life...it would save so much misuderstandings. It would help tell her I love her instead of showing a disgruntled spirit that portrays something negative other than love for her.
What if we were still doing this job, other than living the life and doing something else? Shouldn't we go forth and take that risk, and do something else that we would have the passion for. Have we gone soft? Our free-spirit, has it been tied down to the circumstance of our lives?
I would not like to be stuck in this job. It is a place where hurtful hearts and lives come together and draw their comfort from other same hearts and lives. Thus creating a false sense of love and understanding, and leading them into ways that their children would end up being the worst hit victims. Many carrots and canycanes are dangled in front of hearts that are tired from their hurts, those carrots and goodies offer a temporal relieve, boost of ego and stirs up the inner-child who has a huge secret to hide. Many good relationships are broken, and in turn many relationships of comfort are formed in this place. Their comfort is that there is understanding to why they did the things they did, and they promise to never do the same in this new life together. but the carrots and the candycanes are there always tempting, to bring the fallen into the slaughter house.
the carrots and the candycanes, are of many sorts. Some had no idea, and were just there for their own version of fun. some knew full well, but it satisfied their thirst for conquest and even revenge. Some had only their own lives to think about and the responsibility is not theirs to carry. Some are lonely and have become desperate. Some are just pathetically desperate. Who Am I to speak so judgementally? As harshly as I have judged so am i judged accordingly as well. For I once turned an ugly head, and was going to lay waste to the carrots and the candycanes, and the hurting, lonely hearts, I was going to have my way with them...
And just as I turned away from Him, She showed. I looked upon her as one of those that I may act in whatever manner of lust that was on me. But something within me fought real hard, to keep me from falling off the cliff that I was already dangerously treading on.
And so the story begun, and I am not willing to have her so far from me. We kept our word and fought for us. Even though I thought it would have to be me yet again...and it hurt so bad that the chance that I may be taken for granted, I stood up and walked towards my door, the doorbell rang.
A confirmation. A very strong one. That I wasn't going to be taken for granted. It wouldn't always have to be me walking after her. That in times when I am so weak, that she would step up and walk back to me.
I'm starting to dislike the job for the distance it brings. But it has always brought us together, and still brings us places that have much to be explored together. And she's a trooper when it comes to walking and exploring. She doesn't have to worry anyways, because when she's tired she's got buffalo to give her a ride.
I don't want to get stuck in this job. I hope that life would take us together and not apart.
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